Celestial

I look up at the stars and wonder when you will come. My prince charming. My knight in shining armor. Please take me away from this place and take me to the land of pure happiness, because right now I feel like I'm going crazy. People expect me to do everything for them when I'm realizing I can't. I'm not superwoman, despite how much I would like it to be so.

I see the moon above me and wonder if you are looking at it as well. The clouds, the luminous beams, all of it. I wonder if you are seeing what I am. I'm here waiting for what seems like a lifetime. Where are you?

Friends are disappearing right and left. Drama seems to surround my days. Sometimes I don't know which way to turn. I go days without eating. I rarely sleep for a sufficient amount of time. I'm hoping that you could be my hero.

When you look at these stars, I hope you think of me. Think of what could happen. Think of the future. It is as bright as the moon when full.

Until then, I will wait. I will look up and think how you see the same sky. I will wish upon the shooting stars for your arrival. I will keep the hope in my heart. Until then, I will see you in my dreams.

Right now my life seems to be weddings. And for those viewers at home that don't know me that well, I have 12 weddings this summer. I'm in 8. For now. So far I've been to 3. All I seem to be doing is werddings/school/work. I just moved and all my stuff isn't moved in yet. On the bright side, I'm in a new place with my own room! I have friends that love me and support me. Broke it off with the boy, but it was for the best. I'm sure we will both find better people for each other.

Keeping up with my life, not only is 27 Dresses officially my life in movie form, I keep on getting life advice from films. Take for example, something I have been thinking about all today. Today was Maryn & Jacob's wedding. She was such a beautiful bride and Jacob was her perfect groom. So happy for those kids. Anyways, I could have had that. To an extent that does make me sad. In the movie, The Wedding Date, Nick says that every woman has the love life that she desires. Yes and no nick. If you truly want to be happy with the man of your dreams, then you have to wait. You can't just jump in. If you want to just be married, then you can get that. If you want a f#%$ buddy, then you can have that as well. But true relationships, that is something you cannot just wish for and get it. Believe me, I would have had it by now. The fact of the matter is that I'm a single lady again. On the prowl, if you can say. I want to find that guy. I want to be in love. I want to find a guy that can handle me. One that understands I have a wide range of interests and that I'm a complicated specimen. I work hard for what I have. When I get into a relationship, I'm all there. And I expect the male to work just as hard. I don't think that is too much to ask. Not in the long run.

Back to 27 Dresses. This is my life. And I need to learn. My planner is looking a lot like hers. I'm not in love with my boss and I don't have a sister, but I am the one you usually go to in weddings. I help with everything. And I love it. I do. But sometimes, I want someone to come up to me and look into my eye and look at me like those couples look at each other. I want that. I can't really say no to people either. I feel as if people want me to help them with the most special day of their lives, who am I to deny them that? I mean, I have the experience. Why not? I'm starting to learn that lesson.

Anywho, its getting late and I have work. I'm doing the best with what I have. Working hard and trying to get ahead. Until another day, best of luck with life. You are loved. Rescue is possible.

This Is Odd

How can this be? I guess I'm not meant to see these sort of things. But for the first time in a long time, I'm truly happy. Like head over heels happy. I don't remember ever falling for a guy this hard this fast. It is odd. This isn't supposed to happen. Then again, maybe this is why it is meant to be. It is like life. According to regular life, I'm not supposed to be in college, helping with TWLOHA, psych major, math minor, mentoring, etc but I am. The same is true with this guy. Yes, he is a yankee. Yes, he is a bit weird sometimes. Yeah, he has some intense chest hair. But in the end, I'm falling for him. He makes me so happy. Whenever I leave him (which I never want to do), I get in my car and let out a little scream. I just seem to have so much joy that it has to escape somehow. I don't remember being this happy because of a guy. I'm truly blessed. Let's just hope I don't screw it up.

In Retrospect

When I was a little girl, I thought that I was a princess. My daddy told me so. I believed him. He said he was the king and that all my friends were the people that lived in the kingdom. He then sat me down and told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be. Back then I listened to him but nothing really came out of it. I just took it as his words and then went and played in the dirt some more.

When I was thirteen, I started to feel left out. We had moved and I literally didn't know anyone. By this time, me and Jesus were pretty good. He was one of my very few friends that I could go to at any time. I knew he was there when everyone was. I made a few real friends, but they were all older. Whenever I was around girls, all they would talk about would be boys or makeup or things of that nature. I wanted to go get dirty and take stuff apart to see how it worked. Once again my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I started to feel pretty lonely. I only had a few really good friends. I was in my awkward stage and in retrospect I looked like a train wreck. I was driving legally now and was excited to go racing. I still didn't really fit in. And I couldn't blame them. The main friends I had were male. Go figure. I would look around and see everyone with their friends sitting at their tables, talking and laughing. I wanted that. I didn't know what I wanted to do with life. I decided I would go on my own expedition to try and find out. Once again, like a broken record, my parents told me I could do anything I wanted to do, as long as I set my mind to it.

When I was eighteen, I just got into college. I was going through arguments and doubts with God. I decided to look at all religions to see what they had to offer. I look around at my other friends. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to know that love that they had. I wanted to be happy like them. I got engaged, thinking I found that love. It was not true love though. Things happen in life. You have to put on your big girl panties and just deal with it. People started to be more accepting. Unlike high school, these people didn't like you just because of your social economic status. They like you for you. If you don't make the cut, you are not accepted into the circle. I still wasn't content. I wanted to be happy and in love like most of my friends. I came in wanted to do business, but then changed to engineering. My parents were mostly accepting of this and still told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Now I will say later on when I was twenty, I can say that I have these things now. I might not know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I have a general idea. I know that I'm loved, not only by a savior, but by my friends around me. They love me for me. And if you are one of those people reading this, I feel blessed to have you in my life. <3 I now believe my parents. I can be anything I want to be. Even if that means being the first psychology person to integrate calculus.

Where Words Fail

I never thought I would find this place. This place where the smooth utterances that exit my lips have no meaning. The place where words don't go anywhere past the ceiling. It feels like all is crushing in this place. It is the box with no holes for me to breathe in that sweet God given air. Why do they do this? Why do You put me through this? What have I done to deserve this? Why is there this pain? Why do you deprive me of this air? I do not understand you ways. I never will. Realizing this is killing me slowly. Why can I not know? Is this why my words are running low? Is this why you leave me alone? Why? I want to know.


I'm not supposed to know. That is the mystery of life. Sometimes you have to realize you will never know somethings. But still I ask why are my words worth nothing? Words used to get me everywhere. But now I realize that there is so much more to say with a hug or a tear or a laugh or a sweet embrace than with a sentence. Sometimes I speak just to make sure I'm alive. Sometimes I just want to hear my own voice. When will this ever stop? Why can't I find the happy medium? Am I the only one that hurts? Am I the only one who feels this pain? I look around and everyone seems peachy. Why then am I in the corner? Why is this happening. People tell me I'm a sinner. And I am. People say I'm a pagan. They say I've gone off the edge. They say all these things. How come there is power in their words and not mine? I tell you something, even though I don't feel it that often, my words have power. My story needs to be told. As does yours.